Emotional abuse is also known as psychological abuse, and rightly so. This type of abuse can be progressively traumatizing. A regular stream of verbal abuse and mistreatment wears you down. You start to believe that you really do deserve to be punished or ignored.
Anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder are often the slow-healing scars that emotional abuse leaves behind.
Look closely at your relationship. Consider the way you and your loved one interact.
The following behaviors indicate a pattern of control that typifies emotional abuse. How often do any of these seven indicators of emotional abuse show up in your relationship?
1. Isolation–An emotionally abused person is cut off. The abuser may work hard to prevent interaction, attempting to sever the victim’s physical, emotional, or financial ties to other people. Dependence on the abuser for support cements the connection early on, but the victim finds that long periods of “silent treatment” or denied affection are the relationship norm.
2. Humiliation–An emotionally abused person is belittled and criticized. An abuser may use put downs and name-calling to voice displeasure. Tactics also include public ridicule and disparaging or sarcastic remarks regarding the victim’s body, intelligence, or abilities. An emotional abuser will often question the victim’s worth, use abusive or demeaning language, and attempt to use intimate knowledge to shame or attack the victim’s dignity and self-respect.
3. Domination–An emotionally abused person is increasingly controlled. The abuser is often possessive and overbearing, treating the victim in a condescending manner. The victim’s time away from home, his or her wardrobe, and participation in activities may be subject to the abuser’s permission. The abuser is intent on creating an environment in which the power balance is always in his or her favor. The victim rarely gets to voice his or her thoughts, explain his or her actions, or win an argument.
4. Manipulation–An emotionally abused person is cyclically penalized and rewarded. According to his or her own needs, an abuser gives and withdraws love. He or she will engage the victim in a punish/apologize cycle, or even threaten suicide to maintain his or her victim’s focus. These episodes are not usually public and draw the victim into episodes of public versus private behavior that is further isolating.
5. Invalidation–An emotionally abused person is dismissed. The abuser denies and minimizes the victim’s protests and attempts to seek help. The abuser may attend counseling simply to discredit the victim. He or she may refer to the victim as “crazy”, “overly sensitive”, or deny the abusive behavior is happening at all.
6. Intimidation–An emotionally abused person is afraid. An abuser may instill fear. Yelling vulgar accusations, stalking the victim, or threatening violence are some of the fear tactics used to make a victim comply with an abuser’s demands. The victim may also be repeatedly exposed to dangerous situations, threatened with a weapon, or relentlessly bullied to perpetuate his or her feelings of vulnerability and powerlessness.
7. Escalation–An emotionally abused person is at risk. The abuser may feel threatened if the victim starts to pull away or seek help and slowly become abusive in other ways, using sex or physical means to maintain the upper hand.
If emotional abuse is occurring in your relationship, please seek help soon.
A mental health professional can help you decide what actions to take, develop a safety plan, practice self-care techniques, and manage the psychological after-effects.
With help, you can fight back.
Denise Kautzer is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and a Certified Public Accountant whose practice is located in St. Paul, MN. You can view her website at www.denisekautzer.com or contact her at denise@denisekautzer.com.