The fight you’re itching to have is right there. You know what will happen. Folded arms. Averted eyes. Then someone says something. Sarcastically.
Then comes, “I can’t believe you said that.” Followed by the “you always” do this or “you never” do that. And it’s on.
Is there a way to avoid picking that fight?
Of course! Try the following strategies for a cooler head, improved listening, and a closer connection, all of which help diffuse a tense situation.
Embrace C.A.L.M. To neutralize a verbal explosion you need to be calm and steady. Take these measures to bring down the rising tension.
- Cool off. Take a few moments to deliberately breathe and slow your thinking. If you find that you’re over-tired, it may be best to rest, clear your head, and talk the following morning.
- Avoid inflammatory thinking. Try not to think yourself into an angrier place. Ruminating on the argument, imagining the other person’s response, or musing about past offenses won’t have a calming effect.
- Lose the tone. Make a deliberate effort to shift your tone away from sarcasm, shouting, or condescension. Little good comes from communicating in those ways.
- Mindfully remain present. Pay attention to your body, your breathing, and your internal responses to the tension. Breathe, relax your shoulders, and unclench your jaw before speaking.
Decide to L.I.S.T.E.N. Many arguments are simply a result of too much talking and too little listening. Focus on being receptive.
- Let your defenses down. Be humble and empathetic. This isn’t easy once an argument is in full swing. Softening your responses quickly may head the argument off more quickly.
- Intentionally restrain yourself. Resist the temptation to interrupt. The other person just wants to be heard. Emotional reactions simply intensify the debate.
- Send caring, nonverbal messages. Nod. Make eye contact. A light touch often defuses anger quickly.
- Tune in. What is he or she trying to tell you? Listen through the red face and raised voice to clearly comprehend the other person’s position.
- Express understanding. When he or she seeks a response, reflect that you hear what your partner is saying. Communicate that you want to deal with the issue.
- Nurture the connection between you. Venting and ranting won’t communicate “I care about you” or “I hear you.” Look for ways to take something helpful and beneficial away from what is being shared.
Communicate to C.O.N.N.E.C.T. Arguments are part of interacting with others. Conflict is okay if damage to your connection is minimized. Diffusing negative feelings and unproductive thinking is a lot easier if you employ affirming communication techniques.
- Convey patience and kindness when you speak. Share your opinion or perspective graciously.
- Offer apologies or agree to disagree. Keep respect paramount and place emphasis on the importance of your relationship beyond the topic at hand.
- Nix negativity with humor. If you can do so respectfully, inject a little humor to ease the strain between you.
- Negotiate solutions. Refrain from slipping into demands or dictates. Demonstrate that you want harmony by asking how he or she would like to restore your connection and resolve the problem.
- End the argument. Rein in the discussion. Sometimes there’s just no need to drag it out.
- Change course. Let it go. Indicate that you feel good about your talk.
- Thank the other person for sharing.
Finally, go forward together — calmer, informed, and closer.
Denise Kautzer is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and a Certified Public Accountant whose practice is located in St. Paul, MN. You can view her website at www.denisekautzer.com or contact her at denise@denisekautzer.com.