The look on Karen’s face that night let Craig know trouble was brewing. He’d just questioned her about a purchase on his credit card bill. Why had she used his when she had a couple of her own?
Then Karen showed him.
From the back of a kitchen drawer she produced a stack of bills and statements. All with red stamps and pink slips of paper that read some version of “Pay Immediately.”
Or else.
Now, weeks later, Craig was still stressed and simmering with feelings of disbelief, anger, panic, and betrayal. What was he supposed to do with these feelings? How could he move forward with his wife again after she’d gambled so foolishly with their money, their future, their life? What was the road to recovery for their finances and their future together?
If you are faced with managing the dishonesty and financial infidelity of your partner, there is a way to move forward.
First, let’s look at what’s true:
True: Financial infidelity drains relationship trust as well as monetary funds.
Trust is the life and sustenance of your union. When your partner does something to dishonor your agreement to protect that trust, connection is broken.
To recover, first call this what it is: Cheating, Betrayal, Deceit, Pain. It’s serious and it hurts. It deserves to be acknowledged and you deserve to take some time to feel what you’re feeling. Don’t be too quick to dismiss the lies and omissions. Don’t ignore the gravity of the situation.
Second, recognize that you have every right to expect remorse, change, and full disclosure. If your partner has demonstrated a clear and unequivocal desire to change, then recovery is possible. If he or she is still making excuses, withholding information, or refuses to consent to a financial plan, you cannot in good conscience continue a financial union. Instead, keep your money separate and take a closer look at your relationship with the help of a couples counselor.
Money problems doom too many relationships. Perhaps a better place to begin rebuilding trust is with more comprehensive couples therapy. Then you may feel better about rejoining financial obligations and priorities a step at a time.
If your partner fully acknowledges his or her actions and accepts responsibility for them, you may be in a good place to begin traveling the road to recovery. His or her willingness to start turning things around with honesty and accountability, as well as your willingness to forgive and honor your partner’s attempts to rebuild, will be vital.
Now let’s look at the negative, false thinking that might hinder your recovery:
False: Financial infidelity means you have to lose everything.
Your losses may be considerable, relationally and materially. But, like anything, the right perspective, tools, help, and commitment can make a bad situation survivable, bearable, and may even become the turning point in your relationship that makes life better.
Start with transparency.
Recovery is often uncomfortable, even somewhat painful, as you make the necessary changes. Recovery is good, and the right thing to do, but it does not feel that way initially. That’s how it is with financial transparency, at first. But to get to a place of trust and lasting financial repair, it must be done. Require that your partner’s dishonesty be displayed in its entirety. Assess the damage together. Breathe. Accept. Respectfully and honestly discuss your feelings and how you got to such a dishonest place. All of this sharing helps restore some of the openness and trust that has been missing or damaged between you.
Use teamwork to build trust and a solid financial recovery plan.
Recovery is all about taking responsibility. You need your partner to step up to the plate fiscally and show more respect for your relationship. You also need to engage in this process. Counseling, again, can be invaluable in this situation.
During this period, recovery might include specific steps for repaying the debt, implementation of a budget and working with a debt consolidation company.
Dig deeper and give some ground.
Recovery often uncovers unaddressed monetary differences that precipitated one partner’s financial infidelity. As you face facts about your situation, you may begin to recognize some basic perceptions of money, spending, and financial security. To really recover and move forward, acknowledging and incorporating those differences into your financial perspectives and styles is crucial. Check in with your partner frequently to talk about your progress or problems. Work together to ensure that you’re both feeling connected and financially in tune.
Give recovery time.
Broken trust is not repaired overnight. Rebuilding trust, working through your emotions, and processing all that this means to your relationship takes time. Don’t give up too soon. Forgiving your partner and doing this work can be rewarding. In time, it can actually strengthen your relationship.
Denise Kautzer is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and a Certified Public Accountant whose practice is located in St. Paul, MN. You can view her website at www.denisekautzer.com or contact her at denise@denisekautzer.com.