Fighting Fairly: Take These Steps When Disagreements Arise

Most couples fight. Sometimes we forget to do it fairly. Some of us never learned how.

It’s okay to disagree, it’s natural. What happens, however, when you go too far and say too much? When sarcasm, harsh accusations, or the silent treatment color disagreements, resolution and reconnection may be a hard sell.

Do you have a strategy to work things out?

Before resentment takes hold, fair fighting should be the goal. Fair fighting, in a healthy union, means that partners communicate their respective points while still working at mentally and emotionally finding their way back to each other. Let the “fair fighting” approach help you get back to communicating clearly, respectfully, and productively.

Here are a few tips:

Stay calm.

If hurt feelings are making it difficult to engage rationally and considerately, take a step back to gather your thoughts before you resume communication. Keep your voice down and your speech respectful when you do speak. If your partner raises his or her voice, simply take a breath and lower your own voice to restore calm.

Don’t launch into a long list of wrongs. 

The most effective communication focuses on the here-and-now. Discussing only the issue at hand will make real resolution more accessible. Discuss just one issue and the feelings involved. That’s more than enough.

Watch your language.

Understanding and cooperation are a whole lot easier if you can manage to rein in any communication that is accusatory or disrespectful. Put your relationship first. Think “we” and “I” statements rather than “You” accusations and exaggeration. Try “I feel like we got off track here,” rather than, “You are always so hard to talk to.” Tact and emotional restraint are important for restoring intimacy.

Don’t emotionally disappear or shut down.

Maintain trust and protect areas of vulnerability. Take a break if you must. Reassure your partner that you’ll revisit the topic when you’ve calmed down and regained your composure. Be sure to honor your word.

Define the issue precisely.

Specificity is the cornerstone of fair fighting. Vague issues and general discontent are difficult and frustrating to pin down. Without specifics, problems are never really identified and become obstacles to any sort of resolution. Soon, you and your partner may drift into contentious interaction or damaging silence.

Be specific about your individual conflict resolution goals.

Identify what you’d like from your partner. What’s the ideal outcome in your mind? In what ways would you like to see your relationship or circumstances change, strengthen, or grow?

Accept responsibility.

Acknowledge that your desire for initiating the discussion about the issue is your own. Avoid projecting your problems onto your partner. Share your own feelings, and do your best to avoid blame.

Honor your partner and relationship.

  • Be trustworthy and honest. It does little good to withhold information or to avoid conflict about important relationship issues.
  • Be attuned and responsive. Listen. Refrain from interruption or rebuttal. Reflect and restate what you believe you heard so that your partner is assured of your understanding.
  • Be open-minded. Do you see your partner’s perspective? Complete agreement isn’t required for a deeper level of insight and understanding.

Compromise.

Look at options for a win-win resolution. Consider the number of possibilities you can come up with for mutual satisfaction. Refuse to dominate the discussion or intimidate each other. Those tactics are usually ineffective. No one wants to be a conflict “loser.”

Instead, take time to properly attend to each other’s need to be considered as well as the need to resolve the issue. Be sure that your resolution allows you both to give a little ground for the sake of your mutual happiness and trust.

Move forward. 

A mutually satisfying solution is reason for celebration! However, an unresolved problem need not be viewed as a communication failure. Agree to disagree for a time. It’s okay to decide simply to revisit the issue at a later date. If it’s really a sticky topic, the fair fighting process may have highlighted a relationship issue that may benefit from couples therapy and some additional guidance.

Fair fighting is an opportunity to move from stubbornly conflicted to deeply connected.

Fair fighting is also a process and a skill. Employ it well, and you and your partner will likely find that relationship loyalty grows, needs are more satisfactorily met, and your future together is healthier and more full of promise.

Denise Kautzer is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and a Certified Public Accountant whose practice is located in St. Paul, MN. You can view her website at www.denisekautzer.com or contact her at denise@denisekautzer.com.

 

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